Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. 
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for
years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture .)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does
not speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come
when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using
friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the
latest fashions, don't wear your clothes , don't need a gazillion
dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their
children.