NEW COMPANY POLICIES: SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE
 
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers.  Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary,
the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your
share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.  For instance, those whose
names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin
with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time,
it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker.
Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. 
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the
stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better
understand their paychecks:

Item Amount

Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.22
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Reassurance $0.11
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union dont's $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $12.09
Various $8.01

Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplation's,
consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.





Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like there's nobody watching.