THE TOP 33 SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO
33. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento.
32. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
31. "Chemotherapy" machine looks suspiciously like a tanning bed.
30. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
29. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you
enter the trailer park."
28. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
27. No X-ray machine, but each doctor is issued a pair of "X-ray specs".
26. Tongue depressers taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
25. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
24. Even though your primary care physician schedules patient
appointments every thirty seconds, she still has to drive a cab
nights and weekends to make ends meet.
23. Exam room has a tip jar.
22. Only item listed under preventive care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".
21. EKG monitor is an Etch-A-Sketch.
20. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
19. Their company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
18. Their newest revenue stream: video of your recent colonoscopy goes up for sale on the Internet.
17. You ask for Viagra; you get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
16. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
15. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
14. Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your surgeon awaits his arraignment for grave-robbing.
13. The anesthesiologist is simply a drunken homeless guy with a bottle
of Ripple in a paper bag and a ball-peen hammer.
12. "If you'd just stop screaming and sign the check, we'll sew you back up!"
11. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
10. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK.
9. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
8. Instead of paying for proctological exams, they simply relocate you
to a trailer park and hope you get abducted for an alien anal probe.
7. Pharmacist looks suspiciously like parking lot attendant who was selling cocaine out of his trunk.
6. Physician in charge of suicide prevention hotline is none other than Dr. Kevorkian.
5. Substance abuse treatment guidelines: "Lay off the smack for a
while-here's a nickel bag of weed and a fifth of Jack."
4. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
3. Their marketing brochure reads, "We may be cheap, but it's better
than being sick in Canada!"
2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different
colors with little "M"'s on them.
and Topfive.com's number 1 sign you've joined a cheap HMO:
1. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk
around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.