A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that
there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

***************************************************

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart."

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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. " Now your
left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was
silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and
discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing
there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the
exam.

***************************************************

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his
medications.

"Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"

The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he
wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the
instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

***************************************************

And of course, the best is saved for last.... I was caring for a woman
from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's
very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to
the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the
woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."