DRILL  PRESS:  A  tall  upright  machine useful for suddenly snatching  
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks  you  in  the  
chest  and flings your beer across the room,  splattering  it against that 
freshly painted part you were drying.


   WIRE  WHEEL:  Cleans  paint  off  bolts and then throws them somewhere  
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes  fingerprint  
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to 
say, "Ouch...."


   ELECTRIC  HAND  DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their 
holes until you die of old age.

   PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

   HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board  
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable  
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal 
your future becomes.

   VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, 
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your 
hand.

   OXYACETYLENE   TORCH:  Used  almost  entirely  for  lighting various  
flammable  objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for  igniting  the  
grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

   WHITWORTH  SOCKETS:  Once  used for working on older British cars   and  
  motorcycles,  they  are  now  used  mainly  for impersonating that 9/16 
or 1/2 socket you've been s searching for the last 15 minutes.

   HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground  
after  you  have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack 
handle firmly under the bumper.

   EIGHT-FOOT  LONG  DOUGLAS  FIR  2X4:  Used  for  levering an automobile 
upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

   TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood  splinters.

   PHONE:  Tool  for  calling  your  neighbors to see if he has another   
hydraulic  floor  jack.

   SNAP-ON  GASKET  SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool  for  
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog
   **** off your boot.

   E-Z  OUT  BOLT  AND  STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than  any  
known  drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

   TWO-TON  ENGINE  HOIST:  A  tool  for  testing  the  tensile strength on 
everything you forgot to disconnect.

   CRAFTSMAN  1/2  x  16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably 
  has  an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the 
handle.

   AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See  hacksaw.

   TROUBLE  LIGHT:  The  home  mechanic's  own  tanning  booth. Sometimes  
called  a  drop  light,  it  is  a good source of vitamin  D,  "the  
sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found  under cars at night. 
Health benefits aside, it's main purpose  is to consume 40-watt light bulbs 
at about the same rate  that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, 
say, the  first  few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than 
light, its name is somewhat misleading.

   PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:  Normally  used  to  stab the lids of old-style  
paper-and-tin  oil  cans  and  splash oil on your shirt;  but  can also be 
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

   AIR  COMPRESSOR:  A  machine that takes energy produced in a 
coal-burning  power  plant 200 miles away and transforms it into  
compressed  air  that  travels  by  hose  to a Chicago Pneumatic  impact  
wrench  that  grips rusty bolts last overtightened
   58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

   PRY  BAR:  A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip  or  
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
   50¢ part.

   HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

   HAMMER:  Originally  employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays  
is  used  as  a kind of divining rod to locate the most  expensive  parts 
not far from the object we are trying to hit.

   MECHANIC'S  KNIFE:  Used  to  open  and  slice  through  the contents  
of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works  particularly  
well  on  contents such as seats, vinyl records,  liquids  in  plastic 
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

   DAMMIT  TOOL:  Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the  garage 
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool 
that you will need.

   EXPLETIVE:  A  balm,  usually applied verbally in hindsight, which  
somehow  eases  those pains and indignities following our every deficiency 
in foresight