From: Al Matheson <citabriair@yahoo.com Subject: Ivan--When all else fails!

FLORIDA HURRICANE PREPARATION     You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you  need a refresher course: We're about to enter the peak of the  hurricane season.

(1) There is no need to panic.    
(2) We could all be killed.  
 If  you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to 
do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."    Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you  follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:    
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at  least three days.    
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.    
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.    

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this  sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.  We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness  items:    HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: 
If you own a home, you must have hurricane  insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as  long as your home meets two basic requirements:    
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and    
(2) It is located in Vermont!!!!    

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area  that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies  would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they  might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why  they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll  have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge  you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your  house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental  floss.    
SHUTTERS:    Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all  the doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and  disadvantages:    Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them  yourself, they're cheap.    Sheet-metal shutters : The advantage is that these work well, once  you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all  up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be  December.    Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to  use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is  that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.    
Hurricane-proof windows : These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane  protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand  hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says  so. He lives in Nebraska.    
Hurricane Proofing your property : As the hurricane approaches,  check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters,  patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... you should, as a  precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't  have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).  Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly  missiles.    
EVACUATION ROUTE:    If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route  planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area,  look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a  low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to  avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead,  you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from  your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a  bonus, you will not be lonely.    
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:    If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy  them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last  possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious  fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In  addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:    
23 flashlights . 
At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out,  when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.    
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what  the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)    
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in  a hurricane, but it looks cool.)    
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask  anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be  irate alligators.)    
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you  can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.    

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws  near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation  by turning on your television if you have a generator that's working  to keep the TV going and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand  right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally  important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.    

Good luck and remember: It's great living in Paradise!!!!    Anybody got any bleach?